Traffic Observations

I drive a hell of a long way to work (and back) everyday. All of this time on the road has allowed me to make many observations. Here are just a few.

  • No matter which radio station I listen to, the traffic report fails to cover the road I’m on.
  • If there is a lane of traffic moving faster than the one I’m in, if I change to it, it slows to a crawl.
  • There are people who think it is both wise and safe to exit the tollway from the far left lane. WTF!
  • The people who shave, apply make-up, or hot-roll their hair while driving are very scary.
  • Worse than the shavers and make-up artists are the imbeciles who text or chat on their cell phones while driving. One such moron rear-ended my brand new Honda Element last fall. Four years prior to that accident, a similar idiot rear-ended my brand new Honda Civic (Multiple cars were involved; I was in the fifth car in the chain accident.). You can imagine how I feel about driving around in a new vehicle.
  • Traffic is at its worst on the days I have an early morning meeting.
  • Yes, I can see you picking your nose, your teeth, your ears.
  • Petroleum/chemical tankers are disasters waiting to happen.
  • It really sucks when I forget to go to the bathroom before my commute.
  • Visors do not completely shield your eyes from the sun. Often they serve absolutely no purpose.
  • What’s up with road crews? One man working and ten supervising.
  • Men who build roads appreciate flannel in the cooler months.
  • Where is that other shoe?
  • Billboards do not inspire me to make a purchase.
  • Trees look better with leaves.
  • Green means go. Red means stop. If you’re colorblind, you shouldn’t be driving.
  • Gold hubcaps are the equivalent of gold teeth.
  • When tossed ice hits your windshield, the glass appears as if it has shattered. Pretty damn freaky!
  • Some people like to share their music with everyone in a half-mile radius.
  • 1 out of 10 people gesture in appreciation when I let them slide in front of me in traffic.
  • 9 out of 10 people gesture offensively when I don’t let them have their way on the road.
  • Frequently I say: “That was absolutely BRILLIANT!” • “Way to go, GENIUS!” • “Move bee-otch!” • “What a dickhead!” • “What an asshole!” • “IDIOT!” • “OH, for God’s sake people!”
  • The only fume I appreciate is the occasional waft of weed.
  • It seems people are no longer concerned with keeping America beautiful.
  • A suspended plastic bag is beautiful in the film American Beauty; it’s not so beautiful any where else.
  • Squirrels must have a death wish.
  • When I see the Texas lotto sign, I fantasize about winning. All of that dough would eliminate a commute to work.
  • The higher the number of bumper stickers the lower the IQ.
  • Driving a Hummer? You’re a pompous ass.
  • Cops like sitting at the bottom of hills.
  • Are you insane? Please crate your dogs. Don’t let them run loose in the back of your pick-up.
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  • A Few Good Cats

    Sounds like you’ve had a lot of time in traffic to think about this… an awful lot of time…

    If the occasional waft of weed comes from the car who’s sharing its music with everyone, it makes me hope there’s a designated driver…